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July 29, 2006

Girls, we need to talk.

Fellow straight girls, can we please agree that any man who has this in his bathroom will not get laid? I'm not talking about a guy who looks at that picture and thinks it's ironically funny. I'm talking about a guy who looks at that picture and thinks it's cool, then makes the effort to buy it, install it, stock it, and use it. If you find this in a date's home, leave immediately and don't look back. It's for your own good. In fact, it's for the good of society.

— From one extreme to the other, this is Shakespeare's Sister, delivering the best in Boob News since 1974.

July 29, 2006 | Permalink

Comments

i kind of want to get them things, but just to piss you off. do they ship to berlin?

let the eagles soar!

Posted by: marc | Jul 30, 2006 1:50:55 AM

If I laughed at that picture, am I a bad person?

Posted by: The Gutter Monkey | Jul 30, 2006 3:52:49 AM

just to piss you off

I wouldn't be pissed off. I'd just think you were an idiot.

Posted by: Shakespeare's Sister | Jul 30, 2006 9:58:31 AM

Of course, if I may play devil's advocate (aka pathetic loser advocate), by the time a woman sees them, odds are the two-pump hump has already been broughten.

Posted by: punkass marc | Jul 30, 2006 2:02:36 PM

i kind of want to get them things, but just to piss you off.

Chance that Shakes Sis will ever be in your shower to see them: -15%

Therefore chance that you'll be buying those because you haven't yet had the pleasure of seeing the real thing and you know that you won't be having any shot at touching real boobies anytime soon: 150%

Posted by: Amanda Marcotte | Jul 30, 2006 2:04:24 PM

"Chance that Shakes Sis will ever be in your shower to see them: -15%"

Haha....So true, Amanda.

Posted by: Jim | Jul 30, 2006 3:31:38 PM

Wouldn't the target demo for this also be the one most likely to be squigged out by seeing a breast perform this type of function?

Or are they going for a really narrow niche of fetishists here?

Posted by: Stephen | Jul 30, 2006 7:33:10 PM

Ezra,

Check out this piece by Steve Barnes in the Times Union of Albany, New York.

http://www.timesunion.com/AspStories/storyprint.asp?StoryID=503479

Money graphs:

"When I was in fifth grade, a pair of boys who fancied themselves to be tough guys were sent to the principal's office after a teacher overheard them referring to one another as "mother trucker." Although they hadn't uttered a certain 12-letter obscenity, their intent to invoke it was judged, in upstate New York in the late 1970s, reason enough for punishment.


"I thought of that incident the other day when a colleague showed me a photo he'd taken while in traffic locally. It shows the back end of a pickup truck; beneath the trailer hitch hangs, well, a scrotum -- flesh-colored, wrinkled, bulbous.

"The thing is hard to miss: Models sold online, made of plastic or polypropylene, are up to 10 inches high by 6 inches across, weigh as much as 2 pounds and are available in a dozen colors plus metalized finishes that look like chrome or, of course, brass. Some affix to the trailer hitch, while others can dangle, or "swing low," from a padlocked chain.

"As I don't have kids, I'll leave the "What if my child saw that?!" outrage to others. What seems to me most culturally significant about the truck scrotum is the way it imposes crudeness; it forces before others' eyes a representation of a body part once so personal that a synonym is "privates." Unlike the schoolboys all those years ago, who at least made the effort to disguise their naughtiness with wordplay, someone equipping his vehicle with genitals is provoking without artifice or deniability.

" "Truckticles," as good a name as any, are just more proof that we're living in the Age of the Single Entendre. The slow striptease has become the fast bare-all, the seductive flirt replaced by the frank proposition.

"Shirts that say "Porn Star" or "Slut" are common on kids from middle-school age to college. An online store called VulgariTEEs offers shirts, hats, shorts and thong underwear available with more than 200 coarse, sexual or otherwise confrontational statements and images. Among the few that can be described here are an "Inspector" series that announces the wearer is "certified" to examine breasts, penises or buttocks, and, even more tasteless, clothing that simply blares "My (penis) would like to buy you a drink" and "Sexual Predator."

"The "Girls Gone Wild" video series, and its equal-opportunity offshoot, "Guys Gone Wild," have made their creator a multimillionaire by featuring oft-intoxicated but all-too-willing collegians getting naked. The series' raunchiness has grown with their success, from glimpses of bared breasts to girl-on-girl make-out sessions, from guys dropping trou to actually masturbating and nude dudes spanking one another."

Moral of the story: People will buy anything.

Example of moral: Mr. George and Mrs. Kellyanne Conway. Still can't figure out who wound up with the short end of the straw in that financial arrangement.

Posted by: Mark | Jul 30, 2006 7:48:23 PM

I can't really get with any outrage on these things, because I see main market being for use as stupid bachelor party gifts.

Posted by: Brian | Jul 30, 2006 8:44:00 PM

I think the Truck Nuts are tacky (funny, but tacky). I better gag would be two actual giant machine nuts (as in the hexagonal threaded devices that go on bolts) dangling from a cable. That way your accessorized truck is not some unholy cyborg, but machine through and through.

Yet still many. Very very manly. And that's what counts.

Posted by: TikiHead | Jul 31, 2006 5:30:59 PM

dicover credit card dicover credit card

Posted by: dicover credit card | Jul 31, 2006 11:49:40 PM

I seem to remember on one episode of Trading Spaces™, the dependably awful Hildy covered an entire wall in Shower Boobs. Or was it flowers? Or dead frogs? I forget.

Posted by: TikiHead | Aug 1, 2006 3:23:11 PM

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