Oscars

I wuz robbed, my many multifaceted, magnificent performances from the past year totally ignored by the Academy. That anyone could forget "Ezra Gets a Sandwich" or "Ezra Boards a Bus" is too mind-boggling to seriously contemplate, so I'll instead chalk the rejection up to envy. Sometimes I'm simply too luminescent for my own good.

But talent such as mine can brook no hard feelings -- to do so would be churlish. So I watched the Oscars; enjoyed them, too. But a few thoughts:

• What the hell happened to Rachel McAdams? Doesn't she know the Go Fug Yourself girls were watching?

• I just pray Rachel Weisz's acceptance speech was scripted. Scripted by the best in the business. I don't think I've ever heard a more soaring, elegant collection of adjectives emerge in such close succession to each other. As I remember, it started with the word "luminous" and ended on "unflinching," with a score of GRE-word detours in between. I have such a crush on her.

• Jon Stewart did well whenever he was delivering Daily Show material. His political stuff, and quasi-political stuff, flew, the rest seemed a bit flat. Those faux-attack ads, though, were brilliant.

• Who told Charlize Theron to bring a pet?

• And who told the Academy director that way-overselling the benefits of traditional theaters would do anything but but convince me these tools don't deserve my 10 bucks?

• And was this joke really so subtle as to fly right over the heads of my Tapped readers?