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September 02, 2005
Is This Impeachable?
Via Jeff Dubner, what the FUCK is wrong with our President?
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)
Dubner compares it to Dukakis's bloodless abdication of vengeance against the hypothetical guy who raped and murdered his wife. But it's worse than that. It's like Churchill comforting bombed out Britons with the prospect of all the fine curry joints that'll soon open where their homes used to stand.
So you know what? If he can take this lightly, we can play a little game. Using Bush's above quote as inspiration and stylistic template, jump in the time machine and put Bush on the podium after other great disasters and calamities. What does he think about the plague? The sacking of the Temple? The burning of Rome? The defeat of the French? Remember -- all entries have to have Bush coming from the perspective of the afflicted, and all have to be as grossly inappropriate as this one. The best ones will go up on the main page later today.
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Comments
All of the citizens of New York will have a glorious new Starbucks. Did I mention I love my cappuccinno?
Posted by: Dan McMahon | Sep 2, 2005 2:34:52 PM
The good news -- and this is hard for some to see after the Hindenburg - is that the blimps of tomorrow will be even more spectacular. They will be twice as big and travel twice as far and be filled with methane. I'm looking forward to producing some of that methane myself.
Posted by: Ugh | Sep 2, 2005 2:40:41 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Chicago, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Mrs. O'Leary's barn -- she's lost her entire barn -- there's going to be a fantastic barn. And I'm looking forward to setting the lantern down by her cow. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Joseph | Sep 2, 2005 2:49:43 PM
He's speaking to those who have the money and the insurance to rebuild. The Court of George II cannot even conceptualize what it is like to be poor and have no insurance. Does he think those poor people piled up in that convention center are thinking of rebuilding? They are thinking of SURVIVING!
Folks should also contrast what Bush said to what photojournalist Tony Zumbado said on NBC. His description of the scenes inside the convention center were heartbreaking and terrifying. Doghouse Riley covers it, and I've got the transcript.
Posted by: Pepper | Sep 2, 2005 3:03:33 PM
The good news is -- could someone stop that guy coughing in the back? Thanks. The good news is that we have contained the plague. A lot of good people, hard workin' people, have put their effort into separating out the victims and giving them the best care available so that the rest of us, of you, really, can get on with rebuilding our lives. And the really great news is that those houses, the infected houses and and such, that we're burning down because they harbor infection, those houses and businesses are going to be replaced by some hedges and in no time at all the Church will have some sheep out there grazing and it will be really pastoral, really beautiful. People will come from miles around to gaze at the sheep and think about all the people who used to live in this village, so you'll all be remembered. Now just head on down the road a bit towards London. I hear things are okay over there and we'll make sure you have what you need -- what's that? -- Okay, sorry, I guess...I guess they're sayin' we'll make sure you know the way.
Posted by: Reba | Sep 2, 2005 3:05:34 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic master site plan, better than it was before. Out of the rubbles of Larry Silverstein's property -- he's lost his entire office complex -- there's going to be a fantastic new tower. And I'm looking forward to breakfast at Windows on the World.
Posted by: Tom Bozzo | Sep 2, 2005 3:06:58 PM
To the citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I say, look at the good news. Not only have you been liberated from an oppressive empire, but soon you'll have giant radioactive monsters to aid in the reconstruction efforts.
Posted by: Greg | Sep 2, 2005 3:09:56 PM
"I think that he people of the Warsaw Ghetto, I know it's hard to see it now, but out of this will come a better Warsaw. Stalin, he had an apartment here, it's been gassed, he lost it. But he'll build a nicer apartment building, and I'm looking forward to sitting onthe balcony and looking out where all of you used to be."
Posted by: DrFrankLives | Sep 2, 2005 3:16:32 PM
If there is any society in the world where people laugh over just-filled graves, I'm not aware of it.
English seemingly doesn't have a word to describe this behavior. Rude, uncaring, insensitive, out-of-touch, etc. are not harsh enough to do the job of describing Bush's behavior.
I'm torn in my mind between believing that Bush is propped up on drugs to keep him stable - with these sick side effects - or he is just the pathological personality that some suspect based on his lifelong behavior. Either way, this guy is dangerous to our country.
This can't be a man within the normal range of acts and words that any public figure is expected to far within. Maybe 'pathological' does do the job but it seems too tame a word.
He is SICK!
Posted by: JimPortlandOR | Sep 2, 2005 3:17:09 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this crucifixtion there's going to come a fantastic new savior, like he was before. Out of the rubble of Jesus's old body -- he's lost a lot of weight -- there's going to be a fantastic new Lord to lead us all into the Promised Land. And I'm looking forward to His helping me quit drinking so I can get there.
Posted by: mmy | Sep 2, 2005 3:26:01 PM
"The good news is - and it is hard for Yoko to see this now - is that we are gonna see a fantastic new Beatles just like they used to be. Out of this tragedy and senseless murder we'll see them rebuild. Maybe they can get Eddie Rabbit, or that funny praying mantis lookin' fella, who's he from? Yeah! The Cars! Love them Cars. Anyway, before you know it I'll be gettin' high as hell to a whole brand new White Album just like I was back in the old days."
Posted by: sprocket | Sep 2, 2005 3:38:56 PM
The good new is that Louisiana is going to be much less Democratic in 2006, especially if we can keep the busses from coming back.
These guys in charge of the reconstruction money? Lott's house will be rebuilt with your tax dollars ate twice market costs, and the New Orleans refugees will transported away, unless they want to retrain as house servants.
Posted by: bob mcmanus | Sep 2, 2005 3:53:31 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this misguided war is going to come a new Iraq, like it was before, only with Sharia. Out of the rubble of this Iraqi neighborhood -- this whole neighborhood was destroyed -- there's going to be a fantastic American military base. And I'm looking forward to bringing democracy to other nations from that base. (Laughter.)
Oh wait...
Posted by: Scott Shields | Sep 2, 2005 3:55:21 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of Black Thursday is going to come a terrific bull market. I don't think anybody anticipated the panic of the markets, but we're beginning to move in the help that people need.
Out of the rubble of those brokerages -- who have lost ten traders -- there's going to be a fantastic new speculative boom.
Eleven! Eleven. Did you see that? I'm looking forward to buying the oil futures of that guy who just jumped past us.
Posted by: Baxil | Sep 2, 2005 3:55:23 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Cambodia, like it was before.The little Lon here - his entire family was chopped up by the Khmer Rouge - he's gonna get a wonderful new family and kids.And I look forward to giving them a tax cut (laughter).
Posted by: Jussi Hämäläinen | Sep 2, 2005 4:06:21 PM
"The good news about our 'Shock & Awe' campaign -- and this may be hard for dead Iraqis to appreciate this right now -- is that Iraq will be rebuilt into a magical and wonderful democracy, free from the bloodshed of its past, and Americans will be greeted as liberators".
Okay, I realize I went off the template a little bit, but I couldn't resist.
Posted by: Kman | Sep 2, 2005 4:13:31 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come some fantastic ruins. Out of the rubbles of the Roman empire -- they've lost their entire civilization -- there's going to be some fantastic museums. And I'm looking forward to visiting them.
Posted by: eb | Sep 2, 2005 4:17:44 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new family, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of John Ramsey's life -- he's lost his entire daughter -- there's going to be a fantastic new family. Although I hope there's a little less clothesline and spunk next time. (Laughter.)
Ugh. I hardly believe I wrote that. I have to wash my brain out now.
Posted by: alex | Sep 2, 2005 4:21:08 PM
"I know this is hard to imagine now, but it is only a matter of time before we build a tower tall enough to reach God. And when we do, I look forward to meeting him and basking in His eternal light. But I gotta say, we're gonna need a few interpreters before we get started this time. Anyone know Sephardic? What about Hittite?"
Posted by: diddy | Sep 2, 2005 4:31:13 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Pompeii, like it was before. Out of the ashes of burned out bodies -- and those people have lost all their mass -- there's going to be fantastic bodies. And I'm looking forward to making some plaster sculptures of bodies (Laughter.)
Posted by: sc | Sep 2, 2005 4:34:02 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Imperial Russia, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Czar Nicholas’s family -- he's lost his entire family -- there's going to be a fantastic family. And I'm looking forward to playing rugby with the new Alexei. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Sauce | Sep 2, 2005 4:58:53 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this late 1990's peace and prosperity is going to come a fantastic Republican party, like it was before. Out of the ashes of blind irrational Clinton hatred -- and my god, we can't stand Bill Clinton or anything associated with him, whether it's balanced budgets or bipedalism -- there's going to be a fantastically fucked up new America. And I'm looking forward to sitting in the White House and laughing at... fuck, whoever I want to laugh at, because I'm the president, and you're not. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Chris | Sep 2, 2005 5:08:01 PM
"Let them eat cake."
Posted by: Scooter | Sep 2, 2005 5:18:34 PM
GWB, 1912: "The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic movie someday. Out of the shipwreck in the North Atlantic -- and we've lost the entire boat -- there's going to be a fantastic Hollywood spectacle. And I'm looking forward to sitting down with a big bowl of popcorn and watching 'Titanic.'"
Posted by: JJF | Sep 2, 2005 5:19:49 PM
It appears that no one wishes to discuss if this is impeachable or not. Wasn't that the question? This now resembles a Junior-High school 'Slam book" and little else.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
Posted by: Fred Jones | Sep 2, 2005 5:25:27 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic medical advances, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Jewish race -- we lost like six million of us -- there's going to be some fantastic research done. And I'm looking forward to taking some of that medicine. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Judge Rage | Sep 2, 2005 5:28:46 PM
"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the chaos and waste and corruption and needless bloodshed of this administration is going to come a whole new political paradigm in this country, where cronyism and ideological blindness will no longer dominate the Republican Party -- we've lost our entire credibility -- and no member of my accursed family will ever be nominated as a Republican candidate for dogcatcher. And I'm looking forward to sitting on my porch in Crawford with Jeb and George P. and the twins, talking about the days when we had a future in this party."
Posted by: John M. Burt | Sep 2, 2005 5:42:41 PM
Under Article II, Section 4 of the Constituion, the President "shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and conviction of, treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors." While I'm no expert in this area, it doesn't appear that being dimwitted, uncaring, completely shifless and otherwise wretchedly incompetent constitute any of these offenses, or any other sort of criminal offense. That said, GWB is an offense to man and God.
Posted by: MLH | Sep 2, 2005 5:44:17 PM
So far, first prize goes to Dr.FrankLives.
Posted by: Tad Brennan | Sep 2, 2005 5:44:31 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a new and improved Vietnam, better than before. Out of the clouds of napalm engulfing a small girl's house -- she's lost all her clothes -- there's going to be a bordello. And I'm looking forward to that young naked girl sitting on my porch. (Laugheter.)
Posted by: Monackinator | Sep 2, 2005 5:46:55 PM
No way. I vote for Ugh and methane. That one made me snort.
Posted by: Some Dude | Sep 2, 2005 5:47:47 PM
Greg's entry made me laugh out loud -- the first good laugh I've had for weeks.
And I think Reba ("could someone stop coughing in the back") has a job writing for Bob Newhart soon.
Posted by: Chris R | Sep 2, 2005 5:48:36 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this meteor strike is going to come some fantastic new energy sources. After the bones of us dinosaurs -- pretty much all of us are going to starve to death under this enormous cloud of dust -- have been heated and compressed for hundreds of millions of years, there's gonna be a lot of oil. And I'm looking forward to drilling some of that oil.
Ok, maybe that one's not far-fetched enough.
Posted by: scarshapedstar | Sep 2, 2005 5:49:04 PM
Whoa -- Scar deserves a round of applause for that one!
Posted by: Ezra | Sep 2, 2005 5:57:05 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new South, like it was before. Out of the rubble of the plantations--they've all lost so much--there will be fantastic new sharecropping estates, and a new generation of anti-black legislation as soon as we get this reconstruction business over with. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porches of those plantations, sipping ice tea and watching the darkies work.
Posted by: Doofus | Sep 2, 2005 6:00:41 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -that when the rivers are finally cleared of the Tutsi bodies, Rwanda will have a lot of job openings and rapid promotions, for anyone with a can do attitude and it willing to work. We're also going to learn a lot about forgiveness, and real estate prices are sure to ease in the coming months. I don't know about you, but I've got my eye on a few empty mansions around the city. (laughter)
Posted by: Sean Bosker | Sep 2, 2005 6:03:50 PM
Well, Jim Jones and the church members had a bit of a miscalculation in their Kool-Aid mixture. But I'm sure that the survivors will be able to figure out which ingredients to leave out (or just not put as much in), and we'll be able to have a REALLY great church picnic back in Guyana next year.
Posted by: Roadmaster | Sep 2, 2005 6:11:13 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to bring forth a fantastic Jonestown - like it was before.And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch with the new cult members ,sipping some of that sweet Kool-Aid.
Posted by: Jussi Hämäläinen | Sep 2, 2005 6:16:01 PM
Damn,somebody else thought of Jim Jones first.
Posted by: Jussi Hämäläinen | Sep 2, 2005 6:22:24 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Enron.Out of the rubbles of the employees' savings -- they lost everything they had -- there's going to be a fantastic company. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the board.
Posted by: Jussi Hämäläinen | Sep 2, 2005 6:25:36 PM
>>It appears that no one wishes to discuss if this is impeachable or not.
Impeaching is done by Congress. Congress is run by Republicans. Bush would have to be videotaped fucking farm animals to even get an impeachement vote - and he'd still no get impeached.
Posted by: fasteddie | Sep 2, 2005 6:42:43 PM
"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Pearl Harbor, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Arizona – we’ve lost most of the fleet -- there's going to be a fantastic memorial and continual oil slick. And I'm looking forward to one of those drinks with the little umbrella in it. (Laughter.)"
Posted by: rcktredglare | Sep 2, 2005 7:23:20 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new America, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the Native Americans -- we've lost pretty much everything -- there's going to be some fantastic casinos. And I look forward to playing the slots.
Posted by: PapaJijo | Sep 2, 2005 7:38:27 PM
Sorry, forgot to punctuate it with (Laughter.)
Posted by: PapaJijo | Sep 2, 2005 7:41:20 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this fire is going to come a fantastic Rome, like it was before. Out of the ashes of Trentus Lottus's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to playing my fiddle on the porch. (Laughter.)
Posted by: windypoint | Sep 2, 2005 7:46:48 PM
With black community leaders so justly furious about the slowness of the rescue and supplies to arrive, what a time to be clowning around with Trent Lott. Gawd.
Posted by: tlaura | Sep 2, 2005 8:17:58 PM
Can they PLEASE impeach him now?!
Posted by: Kyra | Sep 2, 2005 8:30:13 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new Oklahoma Federal Building, like it was before. Out of the rubbles from McVeigh's righteous outrage at any sort of government -- and he did go a bit over the top -- there's going to be a fantastic new target for our party to campaign against, even as we use it to loot tax money. And I'm looking forward to making a few bucks off it too. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Mysticdog | Sep 2, 2005 8:55:30 PM
The good news is Jackie never looked good in pink and that stain with the president's blood and gray matter will never come out, so she'll have to get rid of that awful dress and pillbox hat.
Posted by: Randy Paul | Sep 2, 2005 9:16:09 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for straight America to see it now -- that out of this massive earthquake is going to come a fabulous new San Francisco, with rapidly appreciating property values and a wonderful yearly parade. Out of the rubbles of the bathhouses – which are strictly heterosexual today -- there's going to be enough man sex to make Alexander the great blush. And I'm looking forward to finally getting on with my man date. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Sauce | Sep 2, 2005 9:35:35 PM
Windypoint pwns this round.
Posted by: biichan | Sep 2, 2005 9:38:07 PM
I think we've got this whole contest wrong.
"We're going to win the war on weather." Then, Jonah Goldberg or people of his ilk start saying that those who criticize the President are on the side of nature.
And they must ridiculed and those who support them oppose man.
Sorry, I'm not as witty as others above. I know people who have family down there and my sense of humor is really just off. But Greg totally gets any vote that applies here, if such a vote exists -- which I know it doesn't.
Posted by: Chris R | Sep 2, 2005 9:41:07 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Chernobyl, a Chernobyl like it was before, only now one that glows in the dark. Out of the rubbles of the power plan there -- they lost an entire powerplant -- there's going to be a fantastic power plant. And I'm looking forward to seeing it glow. (Laughter.)
Posted by: biichan | Sep 2, 2005 9:43:19 PM
(Perhaps a bit obvious, but I'm on a roll with the Star Wars references today...)
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Republic, like it was before. Out of the remains of Anakin Skywalker's humanity -- he's lost his entire humanity -- there's going to be a fantastic new person. And I'm looking forward to ruling the galaxy with him. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Bryan Collinsworth | Sep 2, 2005 9:47:46 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic universe, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the heat death of the universe -- all matter has been consumed -- there's going to be another big bang and a fantastic universe. And I'm looking forward to it all being run by well-connected rich morons, just like before. (Laughter.)
Posted by: herostratus | Sep 2, 2005 9:53:21 PM
Hee. But Mr Collinsworth, there are so many Star Wars references you can plug:
"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Alderaan, like it was before. Out of the remains of Leia Organa's planet -- she's lost her entire planet -- there's going to be a fantastic new void in the middle of space. And I'm looking forward to blowing up more rebel planets like hers." (Laughter.)
Posted by: biichan | Sep 2, 2005 9:55:11 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the global destruction of the earth by this heaven-sent flood, me, my boy Noah, and my animals here on this ark are going to repopulate the world.
Now, watch me fuck this monkey... (Laughter)
Posted by: Noah | Sep 2, 2005 10:14:53 PM
"The good news is -- and it's hard for you N'awlins natives to see it now -- is that the fires aren't spreading! They can't spread, see? They burn down to the water line and go out by themselves. This'll save you big bucks in rebuilding over the next few months." (Laughter.)
Posted by: pj_in_jesusland | Sep 2, 2005 10:25:05 PM
The real tragedy, and I know it's hard to see this now, is that most of the submissions posted here have actually been a lot less reprehensible and monstrous than Dear Leader's. I don't blame anyone here for that. There's no shame at failing an impossible mission.
Posted by: Paul | Sep 2, 2005 10:30:11 PM
Since we're on the Sci Fi theme................
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this annihilation of the twelve colonies by the Cylons we’re going to go on a fantastic journey to our lost colony, Earth. Out of the rubbles of our lost worlds – and there’s not many of us left -- there's going to be a fantastic chance to procreate. And I'm looking forward to the meeting some of the newly single ladies. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Sauce | Sep 2, 2005 10:37:00 PM
Sauce, you are frakking EVIL.
Okay, that proves it. Bush is a toaster.
Posted by: biichan | Sep 2, 2005 10:48:37 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that our friend Dr. Strangelove here has assured me that despite the Doomsday Machine going off -- some humans will go on living underground until the Earth is livable again.I understand there will be some interesting procreational options - heh - for high government officials.(laughter)
Posted by: Jussi Hämäläinen | Sep 2, 2005 11:04:08 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come an anthill that will rise above the sidewalk crack again, adn that will withstand even the hightop Chucks which decimated our old anthill.
Posted by: Mick | Sep 2, 2005 11:39:35 PM
"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that because you've been repeatedly raped, in nine months you're going to give birth to a beautiful baby boy, or baby girl. Out of your torn and bleeding uterus -- your rapist tore your uterus, by the way -- there's going to be a fantastic new child. And I look forward to reading that child a story about a pet goat, and teaching it about intelligent design."
Posted by: edddie | Sep 2, 2005 11:53:27 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now-- is that Dunwich will rebuilt all the houses destroyed with the latest technology, and with the two additional social workers coming in from Alyesbury twice a week, we'll be able to put a stop to people breeding their daughters with Elder Gods before too long(laughter and applause.
Posted by: The Dark Avenger | Sep 3, 2005 12:04:51 AM
Dear lord some of these were brilliant. Special props to the dinosaur bones and Star Wars entries.
Posted by: DavidNYC | Sep 3, 2005 12:08:01 AM
While thoroughly enjoying this little outpouring of comedic creativity, I must admit I've also been waiting with baited breath for some righty to come along and denounce us all for mocking the President's efforts to give people hope in times of tragedy. Are we simply so cynical as to believe that there is no future for New Orleans, that there are no second chances, that disaster can never give way to triumph?
I think the answer to such a reaming-out is simple, though: It's not the prospects for relief and rebirth that we mock; it's that our President's shallow attempt to offer a cheap imitation of these noble sentiments reveals his inability to acknowledge the depth of the tragedy that is still unfolding, and forbodes an equal ineptitude at ever leading us toward genuine, affirming rebuilding and rebirth in its wake (though I'm sure Trent Lott's house will manage, somehow).
Instead, like so many times before, he offers condescending answers to questions no one is asking, as if the only cause of the starvation, deprivation, looting, and other horrors we are witnessing is insufficient optimism on the part of those suffering in Louisiana and Mississippi.
Posted by: Bryan Collinsworth | Sep 3, 2005 1:23:01 AM
I vote Edddie wins, for managing to come up with something that would make Bush's handlers commit hara-kiri on the spot if he ever actually uttered it.
Posted by: Baxil | Sep 3, 2005 1:24:28 AM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that the disagreement in Nanking means several things:
1) With a lower population, housing prices will come down, and everyone now will have more to eat.
2) Many women will soon give birth to children who represent the best of both worlds.
I look forward to meeting some if those children in several years, and having them do my laundry.
==================
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this will come a better, stronger Atlantis, one destined to rise up and be a beacon of light and civilzation for the rest of the world.
==================
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that the strength and individual fortitude of the Donner party represent the core of what's best about America. And we'll all be able to share some fine new recipes, which I look forward to serving at the next State Dinne
Posted by: voxd | Sep 3, 2005 1:35:31 AM
I vote for edddie until now...
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a even better New Orleans, more better than before. Out of the rubbles of the French Quarters -- and I hate the French you see -- there's going to be some fantastic business opportunities for Halliburton. And I'm looking forward to drinking a Margarita with Cheney. Where's Ken Lay by the way.. (Laughter.)
(Oh shit, that's already happening...... )
Posted by: AK | Sep 3, 2005 1:39:45 AM
The good news---and this may be hard for some to see it now---is that our of the ruins of Mordor there is going to come a whole new Mordor. Out of what's left of Sauron---and he's lost his entire body---there's going to be erected a great whole new tower. And I look forward to sitting on its battlements eye-to-eye with him, and laughing at the small angry men with burning faces and hairy feet with him.
Posted by: Michael Turyn | Sep 3, 2005 1:44:56 AM
The good news is -- and it's hard for the cavalry to see it now -- that out of this battlefield is going to come a fantastic Light Brigade, like it was before. Out of the bones of Trent Lott's horse -- he's lost his entire horse -- we're going to build a fantastic new horse. And I'm looking forward to going fox hunting on it. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Ariella | Sep 3, 2005 2:56:25 AM
ok, sorry for the late hit--
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Hollywood Hills, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Roman Polanski's house -- the Manson family killed his wife and tore the fetus from her womb -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting in the hot tub with Roman and some middle school girls. (Laughter.)
Posted by: beowulf | Sep 3, 2005 4:04:50 AM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of the broken body of this crucified agitator -- and he's not feeling real good at the moment -- is going to come a fantastic religion for controlling the people, better than any that went before. Out of the rubble of these wishy washy liberal teachings -- we're going to get a fantastic reactionary and racist model for government and the basis for a powerful theocracy. And I'm looking forward to being that theocracy.
Posted by: malwen | Sep 3, 2005 11:05:54 AM
The good news is - and it's hard for some to see it now - that out of the tragedy of Laura killing her boyfriend, she can marry me now and we can have two lazy and self-indulgent daughters.
Posted by: dolfina | Sep 3, 2005 11:08:39 AM
The good news is - and it's hard for some to see it - but now we can rely on HAARP, and can wreck more havoc and get more of the oil rigs to topple over and then I can drill where I want to. Wait till you see what they can do with earthquakes...snicker, snicker, laughter.
Posted by: anna | Sep 3, 2005 11:15:56 AM
The good news is - I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. I swear I thought he was going to say that. What he said was as bad.
Posted by: Elrod | Sep 3, 2005 12:37:27 PM
The Dark Avenger gets my vote. Miskatonic U -- Go Pods!!
Wait a minute -- wasn't Cthulhu's presidential campaign slogan "Why choose the lesser of two evils?" Eeewwww...scarily prescient.
Posted by: Constance Reader | Sep 3, 2005 1:02:52 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for the Elders of Zion to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic New Atlantis, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the great Eye Pyramid and flying saucer landing port -- we've lost the entire continent -- there's going to be a fantastic New World Order. And I'm looking forward to teaching the Aztecs and Incas and Egyptians how to build pyramids and to getting free membership to the Freemasons.
Posted by: Constance Reader | Sep 3, 2005 1:11:57 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Iraq, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Tariq Aziz's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to drilling for oil under it. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Diamond LeGrande | Sep 3, 2005 3:47:48 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new Troy, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Queen Hecuba's life -- and she's lost her entire family, all fifty sons, plus she's been enslaved -- there's going to be a fantastic new life of drudgery. And I'm looking forward to making a concubine of one of her more attractive daughters. (Laughter)
Posted by: Mac Thomason | Sep 3, 2005 4:46:31 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some Incas to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new nation called Peru. Out of the blood of that usurper -- what was his name, Athaualpa, something like that, you Incas have such funny names -- will be a dynamic new nation exporting valuable cash crops in powder form to a new northern nation. And I personally look forward to snorting some of that powder off a bar counter somewhere (Laughter.)
Posted by: spaceman_spiff | Sep 3, 2005 6:47:02 PM
ooh. i wonder if someone has done Titanic. i'm too lazy to read.
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this tragic event - i mean, there were a lot of folks in the first class cabins who are friends of my parents; thank god they made it to the lifeboats - will come a great family movie. Laura loves that thing.
Posted by: slb | Sep 4, 2005 7:53:59 AM
An impeachable offense? Well, I know that defeatist remarks and inappropriate humor at the scene of a disaster have in the past been prosecuted as crimes against good order. At the very least, he should be censured by Congress.
Posted by: John M. Burt | Sep 4, 2005 10:50:15 AM
The good news -- and it's hard for some hardworking folks to see it now -- is that out of the shattered remains of the Republican party is going to rise a better Repub...
no, wait, never mind. That's impossible.
Posted by: webmacher | Sep 4, 2005 5:03:53 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- out of the humiliation of the Treaty of Versailles is going to come a national rebirth, to raise our nation to heights not seen before. Out of the rubble of the trench warfare -- we lost a terrible war -- there's going to be another Reich. And I'm looking forward to leading that Reich. (Laughter.)
Posted by: eyelessgame | Sep 4, 2005 10:16:22 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this conquest by a master race of giant space ants is going to come a fantastic hive mind dominion. Out of the rubbles of human history -- we've lost our entire history -- there's going to be fantastic underground sugar caves. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Dan Lewis | Sep 5, 2005 12:27:51 PM
Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Posted by: Charles Gerlach | Sep 5, 2005 1:07:14 PM
The good news is--and it's hard for some to see it now--that out of this mass extinction from the impact of a giant asteroid is going to come a whole new planet populated with brand new species. Out of the bones of dinosaurs--and they're pretty much all dead, dead, dead--there's going to be a fantastic new age of mammals. And I'm looking forward to eating some of them.
Posted by: DEFCON: jive | Sep 6, 2005 12:01:28 AM
The good news is--and I know, it's hard for some to see it now--that in the aftermath of Albus Dumbledore's death, Harry Potter will travel widely, accompanied by his intrepid friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, picking off the the Death Eaters like so many ticks off a hound, and finally impeaching George W. Bush and putting him to work as a house-elf. Some guy named Voldyrove dies, too. Then Harry and Ginny will live happily ever after.
Posted by: Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel | Sep 6, 2005 1:15:33 PM
Petain to the French people-- June, 1940:
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this defeat is going to come a fantastic new France, better than before. After the defeat of our army -- wow, those bums sure got smoked, didn't they? -- this great nation is now defended by a fantastic new army. And I'm looking forward to sitting next to Adolf and admiring those sharp young lads as they march down the Champs-Elysees.
Posted by: Violet | Sep 6, 2005 2:40:31 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now — that even though we didn’t find weapons of mass destruction, were not greeted as liberators and are losing thousands of lives in the process, we were able to go get the bad guy that tried to kill my daddy.
Posted by: paula distefano | Sep 6, 2005 2:41:22 PM
The thing about him mentioning Trent Lott that isn't getting enough attention is that Trent Lott might well be the poorest person he knows personally. So give the guy some slack, dammit. He's got a hard job and he's trying to reach out the proles, like Trent
Posted by: tomwashere | Sep 6, 2005 3:33:32 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Presidential election process, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Florida's electoral precincts -- they've lost all the ballots -- there's going to be a fantastic Diebold-built voting process. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch at the Whitehouse in my second term. (Laughter.)
Posted by: idahogie | Sep 6, 2005 4:43:34 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this trial is going to come a spectacular new Michael Jackson, like he was with the Jackson Five. Out of the rubbles of his musical career -- he's lost his entire career -- there's going to be a fantastic world tour. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch with him at Neverland after he relocates the entire ranch to Europe. (Laughter.)
Posted by: DebbieGibson | Sep 6, 2005 5:38:14 PM
I can't believe you got on the Star Wars kick and didn't do this:
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new Empire, like it was before. Out of the rubble of Grand Moff Tarkin's Death Star -- he's lost his entire Death Star -- there's going to ba a fantastic new Death Star. And I'm looking forward to sitting at the controls. (Laughter)
Posted by: ShadowMongoose | Sep 6, 2005 6:11:16 PM
Just as one contest ends, you can now have another. Bush's mommie, Barbara, said, "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (she chuckled)--this is working very well for them."
Isn't this special? Mommie Psychopath just exceeded Son Psychopath in cruelty and brainlessness. This is perhaps the nastiest thing I've ever heard, except that apparently Saddam and his wife made some similar comment about some people that got forced out of their village.
The remark was caught on tape and is at Crooks and Liars.
Posted by: Fast Eddy | Sep 6, 2005 6:25:53 PM
No one mentioned it, but I liked Noah's, great punchline.
But none really quite captures the sheer viciousness of the remark. That's because these things are all in the past and we humans are known to laugh at things long in the past, no matter how nasty. But laughing in the PRESENT, while people are still dying by the bunches, well, that's a whole 'nother thing entirely.
Ah yes, the Bush crime family. How lovely. Great family values.
Posted by: Fast Eddy | Sep 6, 2005 6:45:33 PM
I think this is the one we'd all really like to see:
"And after the great disaster here, I'm proud to be here at the opening of this great new bakery. It'll serve baked goods to all of the people of this great state. I've been looking forward to sampling some of their goods for a long time. In fact, I think I'll have this pretzel right now! (laughter). Urk, urk, urk, uk, help me. (laughter)"
Posted by: Fast Eddy | Sep 6, 2005 7:36:37 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic new Hiroshima, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of the nuked city of Hiroshima -- they've lost their entire city -- there's going to be a fantastic new city. And I'm looking forward to sampling some sake with the slant eyes when they get it done. (Laughter.)
Posted by: Tom Bloodgood | Sep 6, 2005 8:38:50 PM
George W. Bush, Dec. 2004
The good news is--and it's hard for some to see it right now--that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic opportunity for developers to snatch up great deals on Indian Ocean beachfront property and make GINORMOUS mega-resorts out of land that was wasted as poverty-stricken fishing villages before the tsunami cleared out the heathen rabble--they lost entire villages!. And I look forward to staying in the Presidential suite of some new Phuket tourist palace and getting it on with those Thai sex worker hotties! Or a monkey...
Posted by: LindaB | Sep 6, 2005 10:20:24 PM
The good news is -- and it's hard for some un-American traitors to see it now -- is that out of these collapsed buildings and thousands of dead is going to come unquestioned, mindless support of my war policies and abridgement of constitutional rights. Dick lost an investment advisor who worked in one of the Towers, but soon his Halliburton cronies will be making billions. And I'm looking forward to relaxing in his bunker and having a chuckle over it.
Posted by: Anomaly | Sep 7, 2005 11:58:36 AM
Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Posted by: Charles Gerlach | Sep 5, 2005 10:07:14 AM
Direct, to the point - I like it. Violates the style dictates, but it's so damn pithy. You've got my vote Mr. Gerlach.
Posted by: Geeno | Sep 9, 2005 1:24:12 PM
The good news, and it's hard to see it now, is that our Pacific Fleet was getting kinda old, you know, and now, once the bombed and sunken wrecks are cut up and scrapped, we're gonna build a really bitchin' new Navy! I can hardly wait to take a cruise on the U.S.S. Dubya!
Posted by: John | Sep 15, 2005 1:48:40 PM
home equity loan http://www.homeequityloan-x.com
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